i'm all exposed... and all torn inside...

hmmm.. now that i'm all exposed, it aint fun anymore haha... j/k.. it is juz embarrassing noeing that u guys have been visiting my blog and i din noe it.. haha.. about the lilo thingy, let's wait till after promos k? hee...

this blog is juz a place where i really like to write down how i feel about things, makes me feel kind of comfortable writing them down.. i really am lost for words now, but i think i'll juz talk about some stuff..

so... some of u guys say i am fickle minded and stuff. but esther already told me she wont be bothering me anymore. i also juz msg her to tell her that. she's angry with me now and she hates me... but wad can i do?? i really dun want to have anything to do with her maybe until we are all grown up. i am so damn afraid she'll do the same thing to me once i get into the army or even before that. i am feeling so pain in my heart now. she says that our love cant go through even the smallest obstacles, but wasn't it for her liking someone else that we broke up? why am i getting blamed? i begged her. u think i din? she hurt me even more... she told me she'll nvr love me again, she said that she'll love him forever. she din want to talk to me, see me or have anything to do with me.. now, she wants to patch. but it's too late. i want to be alone... i missed the past sometimes, thought about u, but it always hurts me to noe that there's someone else whom u like. it hurts me whenever i think of u. sometimes, it makes me feel like crying when i think about u in school...

i really needed time out. she says i play more games than talk to her. she juz dunnoe how much i loved her. i felt so pathetic for a guy to beg her when she was leaving me. i gave her one last call after we broke up and i was weeping and telling her i cant let go of her. but it din help.

she says she loves me more than i do. but i am the type who would love someone with all my heart. i can say that i am very loyal to 1 person and i wont have a second.. i would nvr in my life think of breaking up cos i like someone else. it is unfair. but becos of the way she treated me, my love for her suddenly faded... i was more comfortable being in school. i felt so free after we broke up.

she says i asked for the break. i did. it's cos after sometime, i felt that she din really bothered about me on the phone. usually, when i want to put down the phone, she would be reluctant, sad and all. instead, she was so willing always saying that she has her own things to do. also when i asked her out the last time, she din make an effort to ask her mom. she kept rejecting and stuff always saying her mom dun allow and stuff. so i had to ask her mom on my own and her mom actually agreed. after all these, i asked her if she wanted to break though i really dun want to.. cos i noe she wont want to break as i forced her to promise me that she wont leave me after the last time we broke up and patched.. there are also things that held from us from breaking up, and i din want those stuff to make her feel that she has to be with me for life. though i wished she would. she's always blaming me. saying it's my fault. FINE! it is! so leave me ALONE!

dont pple want to have their own life? i do.... i really loved her and at the same time, wanted to have time off to enjoy myself. i cant always be glued to her. there's always a point like husband and wife where they still love each other but they dun show it so often.. they juz do their own stuff dun u think so? it's the same. i love her, but i want my own life... since she cant accept that, i'm really sorry. she really hurt me a hell lot... i cant belive wad she told me when we broke up. i was so heart broken....

it's all in the past now. she hates me.. ok. i wished that 'hu' guy nvr exsited. he spoilt everything. i dunnoe how to tell u guys. but now, i dun want to have anything to do with her... we were suppose to still be friends and we were. but she juz wont let me go. i too couldn't let her go at first. but wad my friends say are true. if she truly loved me, no outsiders could get in our way. i trusted her to the extent that when pple ask me whether i am worried cos she's in another school, i would tell them, " if other guys want to jio her, i'll juz sit back and watch the nice show. i trust her."

i told her to leave me alone already, maybe i said it wrongly. wad i meant was have no feelings for me, but still be my friend... haiz... i juz want to go to sleep now and return to school tml. i'll feel better by then.