19/03/06

after yesterday, i feel sooo much like crying and i feel sooo comfortable about it! =DDD make me cry!!! i feel soooooooooo gooood when i do! hahahaha...

alright! THANK GOD FOR YOUTH PASTORS LIKE JEREMY SEAWARD.
of course not forgetting my friends and XIAOWEI!

hahaha... first i have to thank God, den xw for encouraging me to go for synergize.

during synergize, as jeanne preached, i felt the presence of the Lord all around.
she spoke of the 7 love letters from God all of them were everything i was going through.

i remember the first 3 the most.
1. the pressure.
i had to relief a lot of pressure that's the reason why i ran away on thursday. ran away from everything. i now feel confident on teling u guys why.
i was pressured because of deadlines for my diploma course. many projects and assignments. next was my studies. i want to try my best for common test but i dun seem to be utilising my time fully and furthermore i have many school stuff to take up all my time, diploma and rugby. of course finally, rugby.

i lost the drive, determination, the fire, the passion. am sick of routines. i dunnoe. but i juz couldn't stand it and wanted to run away as i felt like a bird in a cage being in rugby camp. i wanted freedom. i'm caught all the time in school. i wanted a timeout.

anyway, i've made up my mind after yesterday's sermon. God's with me. i wanna EXCEL!!! and so, i'm gonna continue with rugby to the end, whether the team feels i should play or not, it doesn't matter. i'll do what i can.

2. running away and hiding myself in the cyberworld.
Jesus loves me, excepts me the way i am. why do i need to run away, why do i need to hide. guess i felt i've lost my friends. maybe like erm... lost touch with em? yea... i take comfort being online, being "close" to all of you....

3. melting the hurt in my heart.
over these few days, prolly kannan would understand how i feel. i'm lost, i dunnoe how erm... she feels. i juz get reminded of everything as i pass by familiar places... i cant help, but like what lay kuen said made me feel, love sick. ha.... something i've never realised. it has barely affected me but these few days....

the 4 other love notes, i shant touch on them, i'm running short on time here... ha..

-

anyway, there was an alter call. i went to the alter, knelt down and i began weeping. den someone walked by, knelt down and hugged me. instantly, i felt warmth. it was soooo warm i can feel it physically, the love of the Lord, the love of a youth pastor. thank you. i'll nvr forget that loving heart. cos it tore me up. i began wailing... uncontrollably, the love was soooo.... intense. thank you.

i feel more confident now. i know that there are pple around me who loves me and cares for me. i'm so touched, i'm broken inside but i know of a healer who has healed me, restored me.

I KNOW WHO I AM NOW! I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO STRIVE FOR!

i'm soooo touched by the love. i din know it was jeremy seaward till i heard his voice. i thought it was someone else, cos i felt a fatherly love which would usually come from someone older. i was shocked. ha... imagine jeremy seaward, a dad of an 18 yr old kid. haha... from today onwards, i've kind of learn to treasure this love. and i thank him sooo much.

thanks for going down there and be with me...
i have felt the Father's love. i want my friends to know it too! i wanna cry, cry out loud, tears of joy, tears of triumph.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!