thank God for my parents

i remember back a few years, my parents would always tell me how blessed and lucky i am. they would go on and tell me how tough life was, how they were disciplined. how my grandma would use the cane and my late grandpa, a belt to discipline my dad. my mom on the other hand had much caning from her mom too.

inside, i often thought of it as crap.

one thing i did not realise is that as each generation goes by, parents are falling into the parents trap. our parents would think of the pain they went through, and in their mind they tell themselves they do not want the same to happen to their children.

i thought the same way too.

i'm feeling real heart broken now. i mean, i'm happy to feel this way, cos i can finally cry. i have never felt this pain in my heart for soooo long. but this time's because i love my parents so much.

i am worried about what i'm gonna do in the future if i ever have children. i do not want them to go through what i went through. but what i went through was part of discipline. for 8 years, i could not get over the hurt my mom inflicted on me when she threw me on the carpet and began caning me till she wore out whenever my primary school teacher complained.

i was one really bad child in the past, some of u would know that. it was so bad that when my mom discovered stretch marks on my back (cos i used to be real fat) she thought it was because she caned me.

but i remember very clearly, she would go to her room and cry after that. she would tell me that she did it cos she loved me. i never understood.

she asked me questions i couldn't answer, why was i like that? i did not know. but i thank God for my parents. my dad, he never wanted to be the one to discipline me cos of the harsh discipline my grandparents put him through. yet i've never appreciated it.

things only changed after my mom converted. we used to be buddhists. my parents came home late, my maid was fierce, and i'd cry myself to sleep every night. i'd call them, they'd not pick. i'd stand at the window grail awaiting their return.

through those times, there's this one filippino maid. yea... i learned many bad stuff. from my maid, from the people around. i grew up seeing things i should not see, do things i should have never done. not only did i get scolding from my parents, i got scolding from my maid, whenever my parents scolded her, cos i learned the bad stuff from her. there's more to me than u'd know. and u'd be shock if i truly told any of u what happened. cos i have siad it out before, but they thought i was joking, so we laughed it off.

no one would have believed that i am who i am now. i have changed, A LOT!

if u read kannan's blog, u'd see the same personality test i did. i used to be like that. just that they put it in a nice way. and not that kannan's character is bad. i often allow my emotions to take control, i felt that i lived in a world filled with emptiness, and since i was ignored by everyone, i barely had any friends and felt alone much of the time.

" How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself. ( up till now, i am still dependent on my friends. cos of the lack of it when i was young. )
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
(till now, some of u would realise i still have these characteristics in me.)

What's Hard About Being a Four

( i only felt all these when i was young. especially thos in bold.)
experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc. (i can even nam u those i pple i "attached" myself to haha...)
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce) "

just a small part i extracted. 90% of it, describes me all the way till i was 14. then i began to change. to become who i am today. one thing about me, is that, my past can never be forgotten. i can describe my life from 4 all the way, it's all in my head, good and bad.

i thank God for my parents... i thank God that i'm changed. how His love changed me. how everything did not seem so sad, how i became extremely cheerful every day. i remember these changes. cos it changed my life a lot.

i know in future, i have to be a good parent if i have children. no matter how harsh discipline is, just like me, they would one day understand.