only if time stopped.

before i begin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ESTHER FOONG!
tolly forgot about it. like all the other appointments, i forgot!! i'm soooo sorry. there's suppose to be a party ya, haha... i'm just too caught up with school and back home, i kinda block everything else.

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well, it's the time when i feel all sooo drained, empty and lost, i know what i should be doing, who i should be talking to, but yet, i choose not to do so. it's just.... i'm lost.

i simply feel soooo empty. i know why, yet i dun do anything about it. dun wan to, dun wish to.

i tend to get stuck in my own dream world, some times spending this time thinking about stuff, or like reflecting on all the stupid things i do every day. haha... some times it makes me laugh.

i just want to be alone, in the dark, stay there, not move. nvr wake up, time just stops. though i dun wish to sleep forever, i just wish to do things i really want to do, yet can't due to limitations.

i'm trying so hard to study but yet, it's just not me, it's not me to sit down and study. i'm forcing myself to be someone i do not want to be. doing things i HATE doing. i struggle, yet i try. i force myself, i tell myself i must.

i work the best i can, staying smiley and all happy, but, i'm really happy. only when it comes to such a time at home. i just hate everything. i try so hard, yet nothing budges. i force, i push, i try and focus. nothing moves cos time stopped. i'd as well splatter my head on the wall and then try starting.

i'll kill myself and do anything i must to get past this crazy life of mine. soon after this, NS, then work. i can nvr stop to see my world. i feel manipulated by the government, like pawns in a mjor plan, in a country where humans are the only resource, where we fight to strive for a better future, where we slog all day to improve our lives not realising that we live shorter lives.

yet, we have no choice, this is our fate, our life. no matter how u try to change it, u'd nvr get what u want unless u have $$$$. i do not wish to run away, but to make full use of the remainder life i have in me to fulfill my destiny in life, to strive for the best, at the same time to explore the world when time stops. yes, when time stops.......