just so distracted today. every single day i feel so horrible as i make my way down to school. i don't know if i should be there, i don't like what i'm doing, and it seems like i have no choice. i've been putting in so much effort the past week, putting every single bit of strength into what i'm doing yet today, i just couldn't focus all day long. don't know who to tell, don't know what to do.

i keep telling God my feelings and a song began to rise from my heart.

Still

Hide me now,
under Your wings.
Cover me, within Your mighty hands.

Find rest my soul,
in Christ alone.
Know His power,
in quietness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood.
I will be still know You are God.

yet, i still feel so troubled. the only thing keeping me alive are rugby and spending time with my classmates.

such an unexplainable feeling. i just need some joy. maybe i need more time with the word. more of God, less of me.

23/04/09

the curse of my family - is my parents not having confidence in me.

the lack of confidence in me causes me to doubt my own abilities. even if i tell myself i can do it, yet if i fail, there my mom will go again "see i told you." what is there to see, when failure is not expected of me.

will i know and experience failure? will i be able to climb up when i stumble? don't everyone take the chance and make or break? how will i ever know, when i do not even take the first step or do i wait until the first step is completely safe to walk on.

will the first step wait for me forever? will an opportunity stay and tell me it will wait for me, till the day i perish? will my youth be with me forever to take on the stepping stones of a youth?

do even anyone have confidence in me?

22/04/09

it's just the first week of school and i am sooooo busy! but this entry is not an entry of complain it's an entry that glorifies our amazing, indescribable God.

the first one's a very long testimony, but i'll briefly write it down and if u want to know, ask me. =) so first day of sch, i don't know everyone, i feel horrible, i feel awkward, yet i remember lifting this new termt o God. all the way to sch i was just listening to indescribable and just meditating on him and his goodness.

anyway, cut a long story of getting lost, and other stuff, i met 1 friend. and God allowed me to encourage him so greatly, the holy spirit just kept putting words in my mouth, i went on like a never ending train. even though i sense a sweet presence around me, i thought i was boring him, then i came to a short pause after talking about the holy spirit. then he turned to me and tell me, that he feels something different, it's like every word i speak is making his hair stand on ends. wow, i was so amazed i just paused for a while, then the holy spirit just threw in more words, that even in the midst of his sin, God was present. wow. God's so marvelous.

then i passed my driving test with only 6 demerit points!!! i was totally discouraged druring my pre-test practice session. i have not done the circuit for 2 months and so i kept making mistakes and got so much scolding from my instructor, i felt in my heart, i was going to fail. yet after everything, when i'm waiting for the tester i just said what happened just now was the past. now is now. and i began praying all the way through, then repeating steps in my mind.

everything went so smoothly but i still wasn't sure if i'd pass, then my instructor walked by and gave me the thumbs up haha. while waiting for the slip to arrive i was thinking, 18? maybe 14 points? and it turned out to be only 6! God works beyond your expectations!

then finally cos of my busy schedule, i can't have net on fri. and everyone has replied me except leroy who's the crucial one cos net is at his place. after finishing much work, i decided to go down for a drink, need some fresh air. as i walked to 7-11 i was praying "God help me, i dunnoe what to do if leroy doesn't call/reply me." just seconds later i recieved a call from leroy and it seems we can have net tmr! praise God!

it's been a while since i have seen God's hand moving in such a powerful way, and i am believing for even BIGGER and MORE miracles this week and the weeks to come.

i serve an awesome God!

18/4/09

How long must i wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

But I trust in your unfailing love,

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me.