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do my entries sound so suicidal? hahaha...

oh well, life is hard inside, i'm sad now, and what i go through now is unbearable, however once i go in, i'm usually fine. it's just hard now, just for now....

2 more hours till i leave home.

there's a cry and a hatred so deep inside of me. i hate what i'm doing now, i hate the government. these feelings don't show them, i can't show them. i'm a soldier, a leader.

tears flow every there and then, it flows in my heart and i let it out only if i'm alone. this is not the life i want, actually, i dun even know what i want. even if i'm out, what's the kind of life i'd lead? i have no idea.

2 years... 2 years...

i have no faith in myself.

28/07/07

just a little more...

-

just recently i picked up my booked which i stopped halfway and i finished reading it within 2 days. the book for one more day by mitch albom had changed my life this week.

before my book out on thurs, i was longing for a day out, i remember how sad and how much my heartached. i missed my mom. well... thursday was my one more day with her. just like the book, i longed for just one day with my mom.

i booked out on thurs for a medical check up, so my mom accompanied me to the hospital where i did my check up. it just felt so nice being with her. like the world, the stress, slowly drifted away; blocked somewhere inside my head.

i just wanted time to go by slowly. we went for lunch after the hospital, so we went down to IMM since i needed to get some chips and stuff. when we reached, we couldn't get a parking spot, my mom told me to go out first and buy my stuff and lunch at the same time. but that was not what i wanted, i wanted to be with her, i wanted to walk with her. like a little boy, i told her "i don't want to go alone.."

and just like any mother, she knew. she let out a short breathe like a little laugh and drove round looking for a spot.

so we did walk around IMM like how i wanted it to be. looking around the shops, clothes, walking round the super market and got what i needed, ate lunch. it felt so much like a dream of something i wanted to do so much when i was a little boy.

if you know my mom, it's hard to get a long with her, sometimes, she can't hear me when i speak or rather, she ignores me. and i can't tell her things cos instead of encouragement, i'd prolly get a scolding.

but well... since i'm in ns, we don't really get to see each other, even on weekends, we both have our own lives and our work to do. i'm happy we had tt day. what was half a day felt like a whole day.

went back to camp at 2pm. all in all, i spent 6hrs with my mom before returning to camp and i treasured every moment of it.

when the world fails you, put ur trust in God,

and don't u forget ur mom!

26/07/07

am out today to do some ultra sound scan at alexandra hospital. yay.. short book out. i needed a time out.

for the past 2 weeks i've been having field camp and so my whole body's starting to itch. man... it's not rash not bites, i dunnoe what it is, but i scratch my whole body every there and then.

yesterday, rather last night, i just had a hell of scolding and punishment. the reason why i was punished was dumb, but oh well... have to thank my platoon for helping out.

am stinking tired. cos of punishment, i had less than 5hrs of sleep. thought i'd get to do some paper reading but am too sleepy, even now.

haha... my entry seems very point formy haha... tired. be back on sat morning, book out 6.15am. =D

field camp is nothing scary now, just tiring.

22/07/07

hahahaha.. i'm blogging so much today, just to keep my mind off things.

well.. all this while and... i did not know hayley westenra is born in 1987! hohohoho!!! >.<

i like some of her songs, she's like the enya of our time haha...
i want to go to newzealand!!! hohoho!!!

-

Amanda - Boston

Babe, tomorrow's so far away
There's somethin' I just have to say
I don't think I could hide
What I'm feelin' inside
Another day
Knowin' I love you

And I -- I'm gettin' too close again
I don't wanna see it end
If I tell you tonight
Will you turn out the light
And walk away
Knowin' I love you?

CHORUS:
I'm gonna take you by surprise
And make you realize
Amanda
I'm gonna tell you right away
I can't wait another day
Amanda
I'm gonna say it like a man
And make you understand
Amanda
I love you

And, I feel like today's the day
I'm lookin' for the words to say
Do you wanna be free
Are you ready for me
To feel this way?
I don't wanna lose ya

So it may be too soon I know
The feelin' takes so long to grow
If I tell you today
Will you turn me away
And let me go?
I don't wanna lose you

CHORUS

You and I -- I know that we can't wait
And I swear -- I swear it's not a lie girl
Tomorrow may be too late
You -- you and I girl -- we can share a life together
It's now or never
And tomorrow may be too late

And, feelin' the way I do
I don't wanna wait my whole life through
To say I'm in love with you

if i only had the guts. =P

guess it's too late now. but it don't matter. =)

22/07/07

even as time begins to tick away, like light slowly diminishing and darkness fills every empty space.

i'm afraid of the days to come.
with no one to turn to, only god and my blog. god hears, god speaks, but there's nothing to take me away from what i'm going to go through the next 2 weeks.

even if i have someone by my side to encourage me, to pull me through everyday, it'd be a burden but it means loads to me.

how time really flies when u're in the money. (money!? hahahaha!!! wth! i meant army. i think i was thinking about how tight my budget is. my allowance is just too little haha..) i just realised 2 weeks past since i've got my last allowance. how the minutes fly even right now as i type this. how fast the world spins by.

how funny, days past real fast yet, time in camp past so slow... i'd go crazy one day.

back to that place where i wished i have no dreams at night or i'd suffer the next day. guess what col said last time was so true. if u dream at night, u tend to wake up feeling real tired... however, the only things that put a smile on my face are dreams that seem so real, i'd spend all day thinking about what happened at night. how i wish, a day would come, where my dream aint just a dream but me living it. (not those scary ones though they seem to amuse me in the morning. imagine me, hunted by supersoldiers. NIGHTMARE!)

oh well.. i'm feeling better after writing this. i feel like i've lost every friend, i've treasured over these 4 yrs... making new ones but they only last till i pass out. nonetheless, these people have helped me through many phases of my life.

no freedom at every point of life.

set me free.

22/07/07

i have regretted many things i've done. now, i see the effects of my silliness taking effect.

-

everything's changing, so fast, too fast. i feel i can't catch up. i am living 2 yrs behind everyone else. i can't accept what ever's going on now, and wished tt things were the way they were 2 yrs ago. evryone's growing up, but like peter pan, i'm living in my own neverland and no matter how much wendy tries to convince me to go back, i don't want to.

how i wish i died and wake up realising it was all a bad dream and i'm only 5yrs old. i have only 1 life, and if it was lived badly, i'd die knowing my 1 and only life was a horrible one. but i do not know what to do, how to change it. i am lost.

bring me to a parallel universe where everything's the same except tt no one knows who i am...

-

only 7 more hours before i have to fall in. the pressure's setting in again. the next 2 weeks are hell weeks and i can't wait to get over them. it kills me to just think about it. i'd rather just be in a war now and go through this once and for all, die or come back alive, does it even matter?

21/07/07

i can't describe what i've gone through this week. it's just been one crazy hell week for me, i really dun feel like going back in.

imagine, hunger, thirst, anger, frustration, heat rash, aches and pain, lack of sleep and maybe a little bit of joy. put all these together and it may just barely describe what the week has been. it's madness.

i tried to keep myself awake today so as to "stretch" my day longer. i booked out at 0615 today, but i ended my day only at 0200 today as well. only about 2 and a half hours sleep before i had to wake up and prepare for book out.

last night was a whole day of trekking in mandai. operation "holland" (lost) hahaha tt's what we name it.

we did quite fine, we manage to find all our day points. but night one was crazy. pple began feeling scared and though we were sooooo near to our point, our group decided to turn back. sad.

we have bashed through almost 1.2km of vegetation and it was really tough man.. u just don't know what would happen at night. then we had to back track all the way back and this time, we prolly walked 2km cos we holland hahahahaha...

overall, life have been really tough... next 2 weeks are gonna just get worse. i'm scared, but i'll just have to go through it.

ok, i shall go rent some vcds..

i cry in secret...

15/07/07

1 and a half more months...

well, u're not the only ones. yesterday millie called and she said i sounded mature. hohoho!! maybe cause i did not tease her. i'm always laughing for no reason to make her nervous. hahahaha! but i did not.

this afternoon, went down to meet kl, lk and bro, they too said i've "lost my joy". like as if i'm extremely depressed, and tt i need a psycologist.

so... which is better? i tot u asked me to grow up in the card!? hahahaha...

well... i just can't laugh/smile like i used to. rather i dunnoe how. it'll look wierd if i tried. and pple look most beautiful when they smile naturally. i dun want to fake it. not tt i'm sad or stressed la ya... i'm just being myself at this point in life.

how i wish we were 100 yrs old at birth and grow younger till we disappear. at least, toward the end, we'd be more joyful and slowly, we begin to forget our hurts, forget what living is like, until... we disappear into thin air. at least dying dun seem so sad at the last days. hahaha... crazy thought.

moodless... all i look forward in life now is the next book out, which don't last long. anyways, there's nothing for me to look forward to next book out anymore. maybe whatever's going on is true. i'm not sad or what. i'm happy to see how he covered it up so tactfully.

to protect the one you love.

14/07/06

last night i thought of the craziest thing. i thought, staying in camp is better than booking out.

my arguments,
when u book out, it becomes hard to book in.
it makes me sad when i'm out to find out about things i wished i nvr knew.
it makes me happy to see the person i think about most, and sad to know i'd just have to go back to dreaming the next 5 days.
the last 8 hrs before book-in is extremely depressing.

hahaha... just some nonsense.

08/07/07

as beautiful as always =)

5 more hrs... it seem to be quite a long time, but ths 5 hrs would fly by like 3.

well, i've changed my mindset of training now, and training aint too tough, it's more of the mental part tt's tough. i just treat it as training for me to become a future missionary - a fit one.

well, songs in my phone (not mine but the previous owner's one) have kept me going the past week. nice songs, soothing songs, songs that reminded me of pple. these sentimental thoughts have kept me going even when i know i can't push on any longer. i miss a carefree life.

You
by Walk To Remember
album: A Walk To Remember (2003)
There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But it's not me
It's You
It's You

Sometimes ignorance rings true
But hope is not in what I know
It's not in me
It's in You
It's in You

It's all I know
It's all I know
It's all I know

I find peace when
I'm confused
I find hope when
I'm let down
Not in me... me
But in You
It's in you

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end
Not in me ... me
In You
In You

It's all I know
It's all I know
It's all I know

In You
In You
Its in You
Its in You

There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But it's not me...me
It's You
It's You
It's You
It's You
It's You
(it's all I know) it's you....
It's you
(it's all I know) it's you....
It's you
(it's all I know) it's you....
It's you
(it's all I know) it's you....

rushing off...

08/07/07

book in day... so fast.. in just 20hrs... but well! i am looking forward to next saturday! =D

i cant wait to end my trainee days hopefully, get my rank within the next 4 months or go to ocs for another 6 months. though it may be quite unlikely that i'd enter ocs, i'm still praying! hohohoho!

well, i do need prayer... the week's been one crazy one for me. just got "promoted" i get tekan and i can tekan my mates, so good or bad, i dunnoe. hahaha.. but i made them kekanan lurus 6 times HA! cos sergeant kinda made me do it by standing there and pressuring me.. ha...

all this because of my integrity... i regret. ha.. i'll nvr smoke my way through again. after being the leader platoon sergeant for 3 days, i've learnt that i can't slack on anything and "dunnoe" is not an option. i just have to put in the extra effort to take a step further.

since i entered sispec, i had really sleepless nights. i keep waking up at night and i have no dreams too. haha... so sad. 6-7 hrs of sleep everyday, quite ok la, but tt means my weekend is spent sleeping to cover up for lost sleep.

well, i do have friends to thank, those who smsed me during the weekdays and those whom i smsed. it really helps me feel better. u all know who u are. super big THANKS! =)

it's because of you that i can survive all this.

01/07/07

the emotion i'm feeling now is sooooo overwhelming.

deep inside, hidden somewhere is a reservoir of thoughts and burden, once a while they surface, and this week, 2-3 of them just came up at one go. so many problems, so many burdens. i want to shut my ears. i dun wan to know. i want to hide, i want to run away!!!

NS is always one of the main contributors. haha.... less than 2 hours before i'll be at boon lay.. argh!

in there, they really can stress u, play with ur mind, MAKE U GO OUT OF UR MIND! i keep telling myself i can do this. yes i can. but i dun wan to. but, i guess i'm doing this to make the pple i love proud of me. i dun wan to be a failure anymore. but to strive for greater heights.... it's so tough.

worse part, this nvr ends, as a student, as a national service man, as a working adult, a parent, and it goes on...

i'm trying to survive, it's hard... but.... i'm trying. yes i am.

it makes me think of u more...